Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Boss Battle Haikus

Image by Nick Derington
Learn to play the game
Think you're getting pretty good
Murdered by the boss

Bosses are your tests
See if you have learned enough
Failure is death

Bowser is a beast
Fire breath and spiky shell
Also throws hammers (?)

Fight him in the eighth
The other Bowsers were fakes
He's not much stronger

Phoenix Mother ship
One of the oldest bosses
Takes one hit to kill

Megaman is scared
Cooridor to Metal Man
Health is running low

Ganon is a bitch
A big invisible bitch
He is such a bitch

Zelda was so fun
Why'd they have to ruin it
Ganon is a bitch

Invisible boss
Teleports so you don't know
Where the hell's that bitch?

RPG bosses
Battle menus forever
Kind of a buzz kill

Monster stats are high
Hope I grinded enough times
One-hit kill a God

Seriously dude
You're not getting out of this
Just bite the bullet

Eggman is the shit
He puts himself in harm's way
Every other act

Eggmobile fly
Take us to another land
Just not labrynth zone

Made many machines
All designed to murder you
Kind of flattering

Smartest man alive
Can't defeat a blue hedgehog
No hope for humans

Traitorous Andross
Betrayed the Lylat System
Don't trust giant heads

He will suck you in
Creates a giant vacuum
Where are this guy's lungs?

Vomits rocks at you
Replenishing your ammo
He should cut that out

Shoot off both his hands
So he can't bitch slap your ship
This game is bizarre

Megaman just go
Metal Man isn't that hard
You are wasting time

Resident Evil
Tyrant is some scary shit
But he's slow as shit

Ultimate weapon
Perfect in every way
The heart doesn't count

Set free by Wesker
Thanks him by impaling him
Dead for realsies guys

Best game ever made
10 out of 10 in my eyes
Shitty final boss

Overthrow tyrants
Battle through rebellion
Politician boss

Breen tries to reason
He pleads for you to spare him
How is this a boss?

What the Hell happened?
The round didn't even start
Shao Kahn is a dick

I can't throw a punch
He's too fast and powerful
Couldn't even move

Stunlocked me again
His slide move is such bullshit
Eating my quarters

He can not be stopped
Is there any fight less fair?
Oh wait I forgot

I'm already done
Nobody can stop Tyson
Internal bleeding

Tyson is scary
He just wants to fornicate
Also dine on ears

I need to escape
I am afraid for my life
Boxing career done

Abobo hits hard
Formidable foe to fight
He fell in a hole

Megaman it's time
Go and face your darkest fears
I'm losing patience

You suck hard at this
Are you even hurting him?
Should have stayed back there

Fight a colossus
Then go fight a colossus
Never stop the fight

Climbing up his arm
To stab him in his places
Kind of a dick move

Do not be a dick
They didn't do anything
You're a murderer

Scary robot boss
Guilts you as she gasses you
Sociopath-bot

Glados tests your skills
Portal gun and survival
Take note Half-Life 2

Combat in a game
That you spend solving puzzles
Totally left field

Checking in on Rock
Running from Dragons in pink
Guess that's a step up

That's Mecha Hitler
You can fight Mecha Hitler
I am not joking

He has two phases
He can be armored or not
Still carries chain guns

Shoot him enough times
His big armor breaks off first
Then he fucking melts

Bosses have purpose
To test all of our training
Final challenges

Almost intimate
Under covers of levels
Reveal the boss
Discover who's there
Your final challenge at last
You fight your reward

The final trophy
One last journey to conquer
Such closure at last

A boss is your friend
He makes your games exciting
At his own expense

Appreciate them
A game needs that final fight
Ganon is a bitch


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